Overcome anger by recognizing its many faults and practicing patient acceptance.
Whenever I get angry, I recognize it immediately. Most people do. Anger leaves little doubt when it arises, and it manifests in obvious ways.
Many people become angry, but then do little or nothing to manage it, believing it’s a natural reaction that should be allowed to run its course.
Unfortunately, anger behaves like fire, and a wiser choice is to put out the flame when it’s merely a spark.
Anger grows and spreads like fire, and once it becomes a raging inferno, it’s much harder to extinguish.
Most people erroneously believe anger is caused by other people or events as if they are helpless victims of their own reactions. In truth, anger is always a reaction, and the angry person has the ability to choose not to be angry—if they learn how to control their own anger.
What is anger?
The following is adapted from How to Solve Our Human Problems by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso.
Anger is a focused mind that identifies an animate or inanimate object, finds it unattractive, exaggerates its bad qualities, and wishes to harm it.
Whenever people become angry, they instinctively meditate upon it.
- They think about who or what they believe makes them angry.
- They find other confirming thoughts and feelings that strengthen and reinforce their anger.
- They negatively characterize the (incorrectly perceived) outside source of their anger.
- And they want to do something about it—usually something bad.
For example, if a driver cuts me off, I get angry.
I find that driver’s behavior unacceptable because he or she endangered me.
I imagine they are a rude, careless, and inconsiderate ass.
I want to let them know how awful they are, even at the risk of escalating the incident to violence.
Actually, I used to react that way, but I don’t behave that way anymore.
With proper mental discipline, I cut off the angry thoughts, and remind myself to feel compassion for the driver who is suffering due to their selfish behavior. That simple technique works quite well.
My anger subsides.
I’ve become so well-practiced due to my frequent commuter traffic experiences, that the entire process happens in a nanosecond. The spark of anger finds no dry tinder to ignite.
Why does anger arise?
Have you ever wanted something and not obtained it?
Anger arises.
Have you ever obtained something you did not want?
Anger arises.
Have you ever lost something you valued?
Anger arises.
As should be obvious, the above conditions happen thousands of times per day with things both large and small.
Anger has little concern for scale or magnitude.
There is always ample opportunity to become angry, and many people are angry nearly all of the time. Their only respite is in the brief moment when they obtain exactly what they want, exactly when they want it, and they don’t lose it.
Of course, that satisfaction is fleeting as their mind will naturally move on to obtaining the next object of their desire.
In addition to the major causes identified above, several additional factors contribute to the emergence of anger:
- Ego-Centrism: The strong identification with one’s self or ego can lead to anger when one perceives a threat or challenge to their self-importance or self-image.
- Grasping at Permanence: The misconception that things should remain fixed or permanent can lead to frustration and anger when confronted with the impermanence and change inherent in life.
- Judgment and Criticism: Holding harsh judgments or criticizing oneself or others can generate anger, as it creates an environment of negativity and hostility.
- Impatience: Impatience and a lack of tolerance for delays or obstacles can trigger anger when one’s desires are not immediately fulfilled.
- Unrealistic Expectations: Unrealistic or overly high expectations of oneself or others can set the stage for anger when these expectations are not met.
- Fear and Insecurity: Fear and insecurity can underlie anger, as individuals may use anger as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from perceived threats.
Anger serves a purpose—or so people think
Many people form habitual patterns of responding to challenges or frustrations with anger, often due to past conditioning or learned behaviors.
People are prone to form resentments and keep anger alive because they believe expressing their anger gets them what they want. This is the dark art of manipulation.
People sometimes express anger when their lover doesn’t please them, especially if their anger coerces their lover into doing what they want.
People sometimes turn their anger into determination to get what they want, no matter the effort or the consequences involved.
If people are continually rewarded for their anger, it becomes a hammer they use to bludgeon their way through life.
Anger is a scorched-earth approach that ruins interpersonal relationships.
Anger is often simply clueless
A lack of mindfulness or awareness can prevent individuals from recognizing the arising of anger in themselves, allowing it to escalate unchecked.
Even professional psychologists recommend techniques like distraction, humor, or exercise to manage anger rather than actually stopping it.
This merely allows anger to run unchecked in your subconscious mind. When the humor comes out, it often takes the form of biting sarcasm with the hidden intention of inflicting emotional pain.
Sometimes, individuals may find it challenging to identify and express their emotions accurately. They may use anger as a catch-all emotion to cover various underlying feelings, including sadness.
Anger masks sadness
Anger can often mask underlying feelings of sadness.
Anger can function as a defense mechanism to protect individuals from the vulnerability of experiencing sadness.
Anger can be a more immediate and outwardly directed response to a distressing situation.
Some people perceive anger as a sign of strength or control, whereas sadness may be associated with weakness or loss of control. While this may be true in military combat, it’s a poor strategy for frustrations in their interpersonal relationships.
Societal and cultural norms often encourage the expression of anger over sadness. This is the herd mentality of weakness disguised as strength. Strong men cry when they are sad.
Anger can serve as a mask or protective layer over underlying sadness, making it less apparent to others. This can be especially true in situations where individuals want to avoid appearing weak or dependent on others for support.
Why no one should become angry
Anger is a destructive emotion. Buddhist practitioners are instructed to stop anger the moment it starts. It’s wise for anyone to consider doing the same.
The primary technique Buddhists employ is to remember the many bad qualities of anger and the regrets caused by acting with an angry mind.
The faults of anger can be broadly categorized into spiritual, psychological, and social consequences.
Relationship Consequences:
- Distorted Perception: Anger clouds judgment and leads to distorted perceptions, causing individuals to see situations and people in an overly negative or hostile light. Anger narrows one’s perspective and makes it difficult to empathize with others’ suffering or show compassion.
- Impedes Rational Thinking: Anger impairs rational thinking and problem-solving abilities, making it difficult to find constructive solutions to conflicts.
- Interferes with Communication: Angry outbursts hinder effective communication, preventing individuals from understanding and resolving issues with others.
- Destructive Actions: Anger often leads to impulsive and harmful actions, both in thought and behavior, which can have serious consequences for oneself and others.
- Damages Relationships: Anger erodes trust and damages relationships, as it creates an environment of fear, resentment, and hostility.
- Leads to Regret: After the anger subsides, individuals often regret their actions and words, causing guilt and remorse.
- Cycles of Suffering: Anger perpetuates cycles of suffering by leading to more conflict and negative emotions.
Individual Consequences:
- Harm to Health: Chronic anger and hostility are linked to various health issues, including high blood pressure, heart disease, and weakened immune function. Tibetan Buddhism recognizes the interconnection of mind and body, and thus views anger as harmful to physical well-being.
- Waste of Energy: Anger consumes mental and emotional energy that could be better used for positive purposes.
- Reinforces Ego: It strengthens the sense of ego and self-importance, as individuals often believe their anger is justified.
- Obstacle to Inner Peace: It obstructs the cultivation of inner peace, which is a central goal in Buddhism.
- Obstruction to Spiritual Progress: Anger is seen as a major obstacle on the path to enlightenment. It directly opposes the cultivation of compassion and loving-kindness, which are central to Buddhist practice. Anger can destroy the merit accumulated over long periods of spiritual practice in just a moment of intense rage.
- Reputational Damage: When one frequently succumbs to anger, it can harm their reputation and how others perceive them. It might lead others to see the individual as unstable, untrustworthy, or dangerous.
- Creation of Negative Karma: In the Buddhist view, actions driven by anger create negative karma, leading to future suffering. This is particularly significant in the context of the belief in rebirth, where the consequences of one’s actions can affect future lifetimes.
- Impairment of Wisdom: Anger clouds judgment and impairs wisdom. It can lead to impulsive, irrational decisions and actions that one might later regret.
In summary, anger is a deeply harmful emotion that affects one’s spiritual journey, mental and physical health, social relationships, and moral integrity.
Whenever anger arises, Buddhist practitioners remind themselves of the many problems of anger as outlined above. Usually, that is sufficient to prevent anger from growing stronger and leading to rage, spite, resentment, aggression, or harmfulness.
Practice patient acceptance
Overcoming anger fully involves the practice of patient acceptance, an attitude that allows individuals to navigate life’s challenges with grace and equanimity.
Patient acceptance involves embracing reality completely and wholeheartedly, exactly as it is, and not wanting anything to be different.
Instead of resisting or rejecting anger, patient acceptance encourages individuals to face it directly. It involves not struggling against life’s difficulties but learning to coexist with them.
Equanimity is a mental state of balance and calmness, regardless of external circumstances. It requires mindfulness, the practice of being fully present in the moment and observing thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without judgment.
Patient acceptance involves refraining from reacting impulsively to difficult situations. Instead, individuals are encouraged to pause, reflect, and respond with wisdom and compassion rather than reacting with anger or aggression.
Patient acceptance involves recognizing that difficult situations, like all things, are temporary and subject to change.
Patient acceptance encourages letting go of rigid attachments and allowing things to unfold naturally.
Like the Serenity Prayer, patient acceptance involves acknowledging that some things cannot be changed and learning to work with the circumstances as they are.
Ultimately, the practice of patient acceptance leads to inner transformation. It allows individuals to develop resilience, emotional stability, and a deeper understanding of themselves and the nature of existence.
With patient acceptance, even the most challenging circumstances need not lead to anger and its many harmful consequences.
