Do you have a broken child? Is your world crashing down around you? I remember that feeling—the moment when everything you thought your life would be suddenly shatters into pieces. Your dreams of the perfect family now lie in tatters. That hopelessness and despair can feel overwhelming, can’t it?
When you first realize your perfect child isn’t what you expected, your life changes in an instant. And let’s be honest—your first thought is that it’s changed for the worse. The future you imagined vanishes, replaced by something uncertain and frightening.
But are you correct? Are all these gloomy, pessimistic beliefs really true? What if—and I know this might sound impossible right now—what if your life has actually changed for the better, and you just don’t realize it yet? Does the mere suggestion of this possibility make you angry or uncomfortable? Many parents I’ve spoken with over the years admit that it did for them. I felt that way too.
I’m asking you to suspend your disbelief for just a little while. Let me show you what’s possible when you open your heart to a different kind of perfect.
What You Will Find in This Book
This book is primarily about my experience raising a young man on the moderate-to-severe end of the autism spectrum. The examples come from my own life and my years of watching other parents navigate the complex world of autism. But the truths I discuss can apply to any developmental condition that creates special needs.
While my examples come from autism, the need to accept your child’s condition and find joy in who they are is universal. Whether your child has Down syndrome, cerebral palsy, Asperger’s, ADHD, or any other condition that makes them “non-neurotypical,” I believe you’ll find value in these pages.
Autism is somewhat different from other conditions. Some children do grow out of certain behaviors. Some are misdiagnosed. Some are just late bloomers. The cause remains unknown, though most people have pet theories. Whenever someone tells me they know exactly what caused their child’s autism, I listen patiently. I accept that they believe it. But I’m equally certain they’re completely mistaken. Invariably, they succumb to the error of confusing correlation with causation.
The hard truth is that there are no proven effective treatments. Over the last 30 years, countless approaches have been attempted and studied in detail. None show any measurable and statistically significant improvement over no treatment at all. Some of the specific challenges I describe won’t apply to every condition, but the fundamental truth remains: you can enjoy a lifetime of love, happiness, and thankful acceptance while caring for a special needs child.
This book is an extended personal conversation between me and you. I share many personal stories—some funny, some heartbreaking, all real. I avoid jargon whenever possible and explain concepts as simply as I can. Sometimes I use analogies that may not be technically perfect—after all, the map is not the terrain, and there’s always more nuance in the details—but they help convey the essence of what I’m trying to share.
This isn’t something you’ll want to skim quickly for information. The content is emotionally challenging and takes time to absorb. I provide many mental disciplines I found useful in my journey to acceptance.
I’m not asking you to believe anything. You may wish to try these approaches yourself to experience the benefits I describe. Or you may not. I’m only sharing what worked in my own life. Take it or leave it.
Your Child Is Not Broken
You might not be ready for this book. I don’t offer treatment options here; there are too many, the information would quickly become outdated, and as I mentioned earlier, none has proven consistently effective. This book isn’t a recitation of the emotional pains of being a special needs parent. I share my stories, and yes, some are painful. But this book isn’t about sharing pain for pain’s sake.
Overcoming hurdles and personal suffering demands more than empathy; it requires action. Though all special needs parents have unique experiences, we share a common thread that other parents have never known. And it isn’t all pain and suffering. In fact, this book helps you stop seeing it as pain and suffering and learn to appreciate the special joys that come with the privilege of being a special needs parent.
This book isn’t about transforming your child into a “typical” one. There is no autism alchemy, no blueprint for making your child something they’re not. Your child is who they are. Resisting that fact just causes you and your child unnecessary anguish.
I’m not peddling hope for a cure. Maybe your child’s condition will be treatable someday. Some children develop faster later in life to become more neurotypical. Many don’t. Most children retain the traits you currently consider undesirable simply because they aren’t neurotypical. The problem often lies more with our judgment concerning their condition than with the condition itself.
Whether or not your child’s development quickens doesn’t generally depend on what you do. Autism isn’t caused by a lack of parental care. It can’t be “cured” by parental care either. Good parenting can certainly improve your child’s life, and the core advice of this book—to accept your child fully—is good parenting. But good parenting won’t change their condition. Bad parenting, however, can create even more difficult problems because your child needs special help.
Acceptance Over Denial
Most autism treatment books aren’t helpful. For years, I read every book that promised a cure. There are no proven treatments. Many parents whose children improved credit this treatment or that one, but analysis shows that no treatment improves conditions better than no treatment at all. In short, the improvement and the treatment were coincidental. These stories often make parents feel like failures if their child isn’t “cured.” I find this message particularly destructive.
You may need to accept that your child’s condition is incurable. And that doesn’t make you a failure. There wasn’t something crucial you missed. My wife felt guilt for years because we didn’t find the “right” treatment. She believed she had personally failed our son. She was convinced more research, more treatments, or greater investment of time, money, and effort in “fixing” him would have made him neurotypical today. She recognizes this was wrong now, but she endured this emotional pain of “failing our son” for years.
I know several wealthy families who poured unlimited resources into treatments. No lack of trying. No lack of caring. The end result was not a cure. The biggest misconception is that it’s a parent’s failure. It becomes a hidden guilt that never goes away, like the outdated and harmful concept of “refrigerator moms” that blamed mothers for their children’s autism.
This book helps parents whose children will have lifelong disabilities. You may not think this book is for you. If you’re searching for acceptance, you’ve found the right book. If you’re searching for denial, you’ll need to look elsewhere. Many books offer false hope for a cure, prolonging denial for months. Your sadness will be kept at bay until you try the treatment and verify its failure. At that point, you can try another snake oil treatment, or you could do the more difficult but ultimately rewarding work of learning to accept what is.
If you’re ready to approach what is with an open mind and heart, this book may be exactly what you need. This book addresses the emotional challenges of raising a special needs child and finding joy and meaning in the experience. It’s a guide to quickening your journey toward love, acceptance, and joy in your life as the caregiver for a special needs child.
Who Am I?
I am Anatta Phoenix. Not my real name, of course. Anatta is a Buddhist term from the Pali language, meaning “non-self.” The name acknowledges that I am not special or important. Phoenix is a literary allusion to a strong new creature that rises from the ashes of disaster. When you discover the joy you’ve denied yourself, you will feel reborn, like a phoenix.
Writing anonymously gives me freedom—freedom from concerns about self-aggrandizement. I’m not trying to impress you or anyone else. I’m not seeking accolades or virtue signaling. This isn’t about me because you’ll never know me. It gives me the freedom to write from my heart without fear and to speak the truth, even when it hurts.
I am the father of a young man with an autism diagnosis. He is a young adult now. I’ve watched him grow up, and I’ve grown up with him. He inspires me every day. He has made me the man I am today. I love him more than words can express. I owe him everything.
Finding Purpose Through Parenting
The quest for acceptance is truly transformative. Learning to embrace reality acts as a crucible—it boils away irrelevant details, eliminates unnecessary tasks, simplifies life, and provides meaning. Through my journey with my son, I discovered something profound: the purpose of my life is to provide my special needs son with the fullest, happiest, healthiest life possible and minimize his suffering.
His life is beautiful, wondrous, and happy. I am living my dream and fulfilling my purpose. I am at peace. But I am capable of more. I had the idea for this book years before actually writing it. Spending time writing meant less time with my son, and for many years, I was unwilling to do that.
I decided to pursue bigger goals, taking a break from entertaining him. This still took longer, because I prioritized our time together over writing. The investment proved worthwhile; I want other parents of special-needs children to enjoy an equivalent—or superior—quality of life to my son’s.
The Power of Compassion
What is compassion? It’s the fervent wish that all beings be happy and free from suffering. It’s a feeling that arises in response to the suffering of others, rooted in empathy and our interconnectedness.
For some, this is just a fleeting thought or an interesting philosophical idea, nothing more. But if you allow your mind to dwell on the concept, a certain feeling arises. The more you focus on this feeling, the stronger it grows. Dwelling on it makes it spread and connect to other ideas and experiences. If you make it a practice to cultivate this feeling frequently, it transforms your life. You’ll find that it arises at unexpected times, reforms your thinking, influences your decisions, and directs your behavior.
Compassion is a powerful emotion that becomes stronger with practice. Like any strong emotion, wisdom must temper it to determine the right action. Compassion motivated me to write this book. I want to alleviate the suffering of special needs children and their parents. I determined that I could best serve compassion by sharing my experiences and insights with you.
Helping Children Through Their Parents
My compassion for special needs children motivated me to produce this work. I extended my feelings for my own child to those I don’t know. My compassion for my son is mixed with attachment; my compassion for other special needs children is pure.
I’ve meditated on the sufferings of special needs children many times. True stories of horrific things happening to special needs children are abundant. Many are completely helpless. They can’t get their basic needs met. They rarely get anything they want. Some can’t even communicate what they need or want. They are often rejected by family and loved ones. Some are abused and neglected. They live lonely lives shunned by others. They lack social skills but have no lack of social desires. They want friends, lovers, family. They just can’t obtain them.
These are horrible truths to think about. But you must see and accept the truth for compassion to be activated. Most human atrocities were committed by those who dehumanized their victims, denied their sufferings, and rationalized away their compassion.
When you contemplate these truths, particularly for helpless children, compassion will arise strongly within you. Out of that compassion will emerge a strong desire to lessen the suffering of special needs children, which is why you are reading this now. Later, you will be motivated to do the emotional work I describe to improve your life and your child’s life. At least, that’s my wish for you both.
Compassion grew inside me until this book was bursting to get out. The song lyrics that begin each chapter open me up emotionally. I listened to these songs on a playlist, over and over, to put me in the right emotional state to express myself. Many of the words emerged through blurry tears of joy.
I want to improve the emotional well-being of special needs children. They are completely helpless. They often don’t get the care and attention they need. Ignorance isn’t bliss—ignorance is pain. Many special needs children endure suffering that is both awful and avoidable. But I can’t reach them directly. They will not read my book, nor would they understand it. I can only reach them through their parents—through you.
Improving the emotional well-being of parents is a means to an end. I wish everyone to be free from pain and suffering. But parents can take care of themselves. I want parents to find benefit from this book. But more than that, I want parents to make their special needs children’s lives wonderful, beautiful, happy, and full of joy and love.
By writing a book to reach parents, I hope to improve the lives of the helpless children in their care. And possibly, I may help you—the able parents—too.
Understanding Their Pain
Why do special needs children need emotional help? They have limited emotional understanding. They have limited ability to self-regulate. They are often rejected by their parents—which is a pain that runs so deep it’s difficult to absorb. Let that truth sink in for a minute and feel how painful it must be.
Can you feel the suffering of your special needs child? You know your child, and you are close to them. You know their sufferings firsthand. Put yourself in their shoes and feel their pain and anguish. Don’t recoil from it, but allow it to overcome you. Is your child stronger than you are? Can you bear to take the pain they endure daily? Allow yourself to feel it.
Ask yourself how your child must feel based on how you interact with them. Do you look at them and talk to them like they’re broken or defective? How would that make you feel? Do you get angry with them when they don’t understand or fail to comply with your instructions? Would you feel frustration in their shoes? Would you feel betrayed and alone?
Ask these difficult questions of yourself and be honest with your answers. You may will find it painful. But this pain is good for you. This pain is the root of positive regret. This pain will spur your self-improvement.
The Weight on Parents
Why do parents need help? The divorce rate among parents of special needs children is high. If both parents reject their child, the stress tears the family apart. If one parent accepts and the other rejects, the stress tears the parents apart. If both parents accept their child, it brings them closer.
Parents must deal with the loss of their dreams—vicarious dreams of a successful, independent adult offspring. They face the loss of their own independence due to the ongoing need for future care. They worry about what will happen to their special needs child after they’re gone.
Parents exert near-total control over their special needs children. These children have limited agency. They need the extra care and guidance. But most parents have no experience to prepare them for these challenges. Most people don’t grow up with special needs in their household. Parents all want and expect a typical child.
Parents frequently lack direction. How do they meet their child’s special needs? And just as importantly, have they solved their own emotional problems that wil impede providing the best care possible?
These questions aren’t easy. The journey isn’t simple. But I promise you, there is beauty, joy, and purpose waiting for you on the other side of acceptance. Let me show you how I found it, and perhaps you can find it too.
