A story of Spiritual transformation and the power of money and mana.
I won the lottery… sort of.
I unexpectedly received a large monthly annuity that will comfortably support my family for life.
There was no lump sum, so I couldn’t buy a beachfront mansion or go on a wild spending spree, but the monthly annuity more than triples my family’s monthly income, and since I was comfortable before, every penny of that extra income is discretionary spending.
I haven’t quit work, but if I do, my income still more than doubles.
Imagine you didn’t need to spend any of your monthly income on bills (or work to obtain it). Every penny of that income can be spent on what you want rather than what you need.
That’s my life now!
How would you feel if your financial worries were eliminated in a single moment?
What Would Buddha Do?
Practicing Buddhists strive to eliminate their attachments to reach enlightenment.
So, how would a practicing Buddhist react to an enormous financial windfall?
Would all that crap about eliminating Attachments get buried under a mountain of money?
As an experienced meditator, I carefully observed my reactions out of habit and training even as the emotions overtook me. And I’m still observing the after-effects today.
It’s that emotional experience I share with complete honesty and candor.
Pink Floyd is always worth a minute or two of your time.
Honor the Muse
Please note that I’m anonymous.
You don’t know me, and you never will.
Please don’t reveal me or dox me as a challenge. I value my anonymity. Please, honor me in this way if you enjoy this work.
And realistically, if my mind or heart were wired for fame, I would lose touch with the feelings I write about here.
Channeling Polyhymnia’s voice is a tremendous writing experience.
I cherish it.
I honor it.
Desiring fame, her voice would fall silent. I don’t want that.
That’s the Spiritual Teacher’s Paradox. If you Want it, you can’t have it.
It’s the downfall of every Spiritual fraud.
Life Changing
I write because this was a tremendous, life-changing, exhilarating emotional experience — an experience that, unfortunately, very few people have.
And it’s the kind of story I want to read!
Relax, there will be zero gloating in my good fortune.
Dirty Words
If you read some “dirty” words, before you collapse in Righteous disbelief, note that these words carry POWER.
Fuck yeah, they do!
That naughty little word aptly captures a sudden burst of anger or excitement.
And everyone gets it.
I won’t destroy the World’s experience to appeal to your tender sensibilities.
- Accept it.
- Abandon Resistance.
- Feel Peace.
It’s a simple, three-step process.
Reader Preparatory Instructions
If you were planning a trip to the moon, you would prepare accordingly, pack your bags, and so on.
This work is a long, emotionally engaging read that emerged over weeks of inspiration and craft, driven by the energy unleashed by an empowering financial windfall.
This is not writing you scan for information.
If you want intellectual engagement, philosophical debate, or mental masturbation, this work isn’t for you.
Pack up now and leave.
I shit you not. You won’t get any of this.
Go away.
I don’t want to waste your time.
Journey
This work is a journey.
A journey through the depths of the human heart.
Don’t skip around, jump sections, and think you’ve absorbed it. Take it sequentially, as presented.
The flow matters.
Emotional work takes time.
If you need a break, when you share button, you are at a rest stop. If you are enjoying the post, share it.
That’s a place where you can take an emotional breather and you can re-enter the flow of the work without missing a beat.
The share button is better than a commercial.
You will also see many videos. I suggest you stop and watch at least a few moments of them to capture the mood.
Music moves.
Music Feels.
You’ll notice unusual capitalization. The Muse feels that capitalization on specific emotions like Love signals that I’m referring to the larger, more profound meaning.
I love to write about Love.
Don’t be distracted by the capitalization and wonder why I don’t follow the rules of grammar.
Please consider that a Pure Heart needs no rules. It always follows the proper course.
I set your reader expectations very high. I’ve experienced this work many, many times during the writing process.
It moves me.
I believe it will move you too.
So take a breath, relax, and get ready to blast off!
Shock and Awe
Like a lottery winner, I didn’t know this was coming.
I was lucky.
Since I didn’t foresee this, I had no way to prepare emotionally.
Like a lottery winner, there was a specific moment when I realized my life changed.
No dramatic anticipation of a televised announcement, but I received an email detailing the monthly stipend, and when I saw the number, life stopped.
A moment of “Does not compute” followed by…
OMG!
No wait… That can’t be right…
OMG! OMG! OMG!
Are you sure… No…
Yes? YES! OMG!
YES!!!
YES TO EVERYTHING!
Elation!
Elation, so strong and powerful, my heart raced, my adrenal glands emptied, and every muscle wanted to move.
I jumped, chest up, face to the heavens, and expelled a bellow that deafened my neighbors.
Empowerment!
The moment the elation ebbed, I felt the underlying power.
POWER!
Money is power. Pure power.
The ability to do what you want, when you want, with who you want!
You gain an outsized ability to bend reality to your liking.
The testosterone release hit me so hard that images of the Incredible Hulk pounded my mind.
Yeah, that video nails it.
Anticipation! Excitement!
My future visions immediately changed (my forehead heated notably for weeks).
My life would be amazing — better than my previously limited dreams — not in an imaginative, wouldn’t-it-be-nice kind of way, but in a concrete, tangible reality.
Fantasy plus reality equals exhilaration!
Wow!
This experience is captured the original Count of Monte Cristo, time index 48:45 to 50:15. Richard Chamberlain expresses it powerfully.
The World is Mine!!!
Unfortunately, I’m not Richard Chamberlain, so my moment of initial empowerment was somewhat less polished.
My mind jumped to AC/DC Back in Black, and I rocked! Oh how I ROCKED!!!
AC/DC, You channel Pure Passion. Rock On!
Hearing my old adrenaline-pumping favorite with the added financial meaning of “in the black,” I danced in my living room looking like a drunken chimpanzee on roller skates.
I made Elaine from Seinfeld look graceful and talented.
But I danced. I danced, and I didn’t care.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, People will remember that dance forever! It took Courage to do that. Most people couldn’t endure the ridicule and embarrassment. Kudos!
Yes to Everything
The initial euphoria caused a state of mental fog.
A thousand Desirous thoughts are suddenly activated with new importance, and each desire competes for conscious attention.
Observation is difficult.
Even an experienced meditator is powerless to direct, divert, or in any way harness the mental chaos in moments like this.
Like a rodeo cowboy, you hang on, rely on your spiritual training and practice, and go for the ride.
I sat down after dancing and found the thoughts concerning objects of Desire were loud and insistent. My desires, accustomed to being trapped in Pandora’s Box, screamed for release.
I opened the box, consulted my wish list, and I noticed the first and most impactful change to my psychology.
Suddenly, the answer to everything was YES!
Your Wish List
Indulge me in a brief thought experiment. Consult your shopping wish list, look at something you want, and observe your emotions.
In that first moment, you will feel a flush of Desire; after all, you are looking at something you want.
In the next moment, the counterbalancing force arises and informs your consciousness that you can’t afford it.
When your mind evaluates that thought, it will agree, and in accepting that information, the flush of desire morphs into a combination of frustration, longing, and dissatisfaction.
Life sucks.
Have you ever paid careful attention to that process?
Most people haven’t. It happens very quickly.
Desire lurks in dark places.
Willful Ignorance
Be careful you avoid the hypnotic trance of willful ignorance toward desire.
At first, it feels better to avoid feeling desire, taking on the persona of a Holy Being, above such worldly temptations.
But this gives desire a unique Power. It can cast a spell on you so that you don’t notice when it takes the helm of the ship and pilots you into the rocks.
In this way, you can be secretly completely selfish and yet convince yourself you’re seated at the Right Hand of God.
It’s a wonderful delusion, full of pixies and rainbows.
Dont Buy Stuff You Can’t Afford is pure comic genius! It perfectly captures the hypnotic trance of Willful Ignorance toward Desire.
As a bonus, it completely explains everything you need to know about managing Money!
Awesome!
What’s Old is New Again
When I looked at my wish list, my mind dutifully prompted me to feel Desire. In the next moment, my mind habitually reminded me that I can’t afford it.
Ahh…. but then, my mind evaluated that idea with new information.
Now, I can afford it.
Instead of following that well-worn pathway of feeling deflated, my mind said, “Yes, you can have that now.” It didn’t compute.
Wait. I’m confused. What was that?
Yes, you can have that now.
Really? I can have that?
Yeah. Why not?
WOW! OMG! YES!
This Family Rules! Exchanging Self with Other 101.
I looked at the next object and noticed the same phenomenon. And the next one, and the next one. Finally, I noticed the answer was consistent.
Yes.
Yes to everything.
YES TO EVERYTHING!!!
Power up! Next Level! OMG!
My poor adrenals were blasted again and again and again.
I spent the next hour mentally shopping.
I emotionally purchased the Internet.
As each object of my desire was served up, my mind broke the old “you can’t afford this” pattern, and with each instance, I felt a euphoric adrenaline rush.
I was a crack addict who couldn’t put down the pipe.
It was as exhilarating as you can imagine.
After several hours, I felt like a Roman aristocrat leaving Caligula’s Nemi ship, pleasured beyond all expectations.
Golf is Life
I love Golf.
My father set me loose to wander the Sacred Links at age 9. My grandfather maintained the grounds.
Golf intrigues me because it’s a rare competitive sport where your opponent’s actions don’t impact your outcome. It isn’t a miniature simulation of war, like most of our popular entertainment.
Golf is you against yourself.
It’s a perfect mirror of your inner life.
It’s a disciplined part of my spiritual practice.
If you want to know a person’s character, observe them for a round of golf, and all will be revealed.
An Emotional Orgasm
With my passion for the game, energized with empowerment, I looked up a travel package to Scotland to play the Open rota courses.
It’s a bucket list item — I started mine at 9 with this item.
It carries emotional juice.
As per the new process, I checked with my mind. A pregnant pause.
Wait? That too?
Sure. Why not. You can afford it.
Wow! YES!
The sudden jolt stopped my heart, literally. I had to prompt myself to breathe.
The euphoric boost launched me into orbit. I landed on the first tee of the Old Course, and I hit a tee shot over the moon and back again.
It was incredible!
I must admit, I let that feeling linger for a while, like the afterglow of an intense emotional orgasm.
Hold the Feeling
Per my meditation training, I’m instructed to hold the feeling as long as possible when I feel virtue.
By holding sacred feelings, you burn them into your heart more deeply.
I’m well-practiced at holding feelings in my heart.
That training both served me and harmed me.
First, it served me because, quite frankly, the experience felt fantastic.
But I also knew it was harming me because I was meditating on non-virtue — my own personal greed. I was burning the wrong things into my heart.
But, you know what, I didn’t give a fuck! It was too fun!!!
Desire won that battle.
There was glory in defeat.
Life Limits
I futilely attempted to satiate my Desires — knowing I was scurrying down a rabbit hole.
However, I noticed the mental process changed, but there were still limits, and suddenly new questions emerged.
Like all feelings, it arose, reached a peak, and faded. And in the aftermath, a new question emerged: “Do you have time for that?”
Hmmm…
Wait. That might be a problem…
My mind stopped for a moment. This was the first downer I had to accept.
I am limited by time.
Hauntingly beautiful song with a really important message.
Crap! I can’t do everything!
I giggled at myself and went back to my search.
But after a time, I noticed that I still had a wish list, but the items on that list were there for reasons other than money, like not having time to enjoy it or the space to store it.
Items fell off.
Right now, it’s empty.
If my want is appropriate, I go buy it. No need to keep a list.
I live in the now.
This video is too long, and Eckhart Tolle never rushes anything, if you know what I mean. That being said, you can’t over-listen to him.
Eckhart Tolle, You are my spiritual Master. I commuted for years listening to every hour of every talk available. Repeatedly. Your wisdom seeped in, even when my attention waned. I would be deeply honored to sit quietly with you.
The Void
Several years ago, I arranged my life to spend several hundred hours in float tanks practicing Lamrim in total sensory deprivation.
Yeah, I know you thought I was odd.
That may have something to do with it.
Through years of meditation practice, I learned to hear the distant streams in my mind.
The voices and forces I animate dramatically are both the raging rivers and the quiet voices, barely noticeable, difficult to tune.
I had time to meditate in sensory isolation — lots of time. I developed a sensitive radio dial.
It’s a practiced skill, nothing more.
Like hitting golf balls.
I marvel at the Power of the mind. Anyone who devotes time to practice can achieve this.
I’m not the first. The Buddha achieved this 2,500 years ago and went way, way beyond.
He taught meditation.
The monks who’ve been following his footsteps ever since, same thing.
You are more powerful than you realize.
Much more powerful.
I’m odd.
But it’s the kind of Odd that piques your interest, doesn’t it?
A Big Event
After the news settled in, for about a month, I was on a major high, but then something even weirder happened.
But before I go into the details, additional background information is needed to understand why I enjoyed an intense spiritual awakening.
The Voices in My Head
I hear voices in my head. A casual reader might conclude I am psychotic, hallucinating my reality.
I am.
The consensus of modern neuroscience says I’m hallucinating Me.
This video is worth watching all the way through, many times over to absorb it’s Truth. Long version even better.
Anil Seth, I salute you! Everything I understand about neuroscience I owe to you. You are a Giant who’s shoulders I stand on.
When you read my descriptions of voices in my mind, these aren’t the loud, insistent voices of schizophrenia.
The mind processes feelings more than thoughts. These feelings can be associated with voice, but often, it takes concentration on aptness to match voice to feeling.
I can give voice to feelings if I can parse their effect from the chorus of feelings and thoughts in my mind.
It takes careful, mindful observation.
But I have no special gift. Anyone can learn this with enough time and focused concentration.
Existing as a disembodied mind in a float tank free from distractions certainly helps.
Enter Zen from There
An apt analogy comes from a Zen Buddhist story.
Master and disciple sit in meditation. The Master was calm, peaceful, open to life. The disciple was uneasy, his mind aflutter.
The disciple asks, “Master, How do I enter Zen?”
The Master sits and listens. Meanwhile, the disciple’s mind is agitated by impatience for an answer.
The Master finally says, “Do you hear the mountain stream?”
The disciple turned his attention away from his disturbing thoughts and listened for the distant, faint sounds of cascading water.
He observed.
He became peaceful.
His mind fell silent as he focused on observation.
After some time and focused concentration, the disciple heard the stream.
Excited, the disciple exclaims, “Yes! Master, I can hear the stream.”
The master replied. “Enter Zen from there.”
(the end)
Jack Kornfield, The Roots of Buddhist Psychology was Buddhism 101 for me. I’ve listened to all 9 hours many, many times!
Empowerment
In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, practitioners attend large group events called Empowerments.
In these ceremonies, the practitioner is invited to accept a God-like image of a Buddha into their heart to attain specific benefits.
This is preparation for Tantra, the practice of emulating God’s or the best qualities of the Buddha.
You fake it until you make it in modern parlance.
Being a voracious reader and impatient with bureaucracies, I obtained the Mahamudra Tantra book and started practicing independently.
I gave myself all empowerments, and I worked on everything.
Some practitioners would chastise me and question my realizations, but most recognize that my realizations are what they are.
Conditions For Awakening
Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now describes his awakening.
He bathed in an emotional cesspool of anxiety and toxic shame that created conditions for the spontaneous collapse of his ego.
It sounded rather unpleasant.
I wouldn’t want to follow his path.
This is long, but worth the time invested.
Eckhart Tolle’s awakening was sudden and completely unexpected, and he did nothing to bring it about.
If the conditions are right, this can happen, but there are no guarantees. He might have suffered the rest of his life like so many others.
I had something similar occur to me.
When I Won the Lottery as I described it, I suddenly enjoyed a much higher level of Qi flow.
I was excited.
This excitement coursing through me for several weeks caused all manner of internal changes.
Practicing Tibetan Buddhism planted seeds in my mind. My sudden financial good fortune watered those seeds.
The seeds sprouted.
All at once.
Power Up!
Power Up!
Power Up!!!
Empowered!
At about 5:30 one evening, I felt forces brewing inside of me that were building to something. I didn’t know what it was, but I strongly suspected I was about to have an intense emotional experience.
I gathered my family around me, and I began hugging and later jumping while embracing my 22-year-old special needs son.
My son loves me unconditionally, and his love and mine combined to bring about the emergence.
It was beautiful.
After some manic yelling and a few aftershocks, over the course of about 15 minutes, the process was complete.
I was empowered.
OMG! I was really, really Empowered!!!
My heart light ignited, and I was ablaze!
Steven Spielberg, The moment ET’s Heart lit up, my heart burst open and flooded me with joy. Thank you. It was beautiful. You’re amazing!
You helped me prepare.
Please listen to that song as you read on. It will help you feel what I felt.
Emotional Quasar
In the moments of first empowerment, right after the euphoria ebbed slightly, and I perceived the raw Qi power flowing through me, all my chakras were blown open, but my heart chakra channeled most of that flow.
I am grateful for my training.
To make sense of the chaos, my mind instinctively jumped to a Lamrim meditation I practice often to provide an outlet for the extreme inflow. The instructions for the meditation capture what happened.
… through the power of our pure intention of wishing love and great accumulation of merit… Infinite light rays radiate from our body and pervade the entire universe, reaching the bodies and minds of all living beings and bestowing upon them the supreme happiness of permanent inner peace.
My heart felt like a quasar radiating light with such intensity that it outshone the entire Milky Way galaxy by a thousand times!
OMG!!!
Per my training, I held that feeling as long as I could, holding it, feeling it, watching it, marveling at the Power!
It was incredible!!!
Perhaps you felt my Blessing?
I assure you I did.
Imagine that experience!
Blast Off!!!
Geshe Kelsang Gyatso– 1931–2022, RIP. You were the bridge between our cultures. I owe you everything. I felt your Love. Thank you.
I request one last Blessing: Please, find me in the Bardo and guide me on my journey. I will navigate by the Power of your Radiant Light.
Take a break; that was intense.
Ponder this: Do pork chops float?
Behold the power of a jarring non-sequitur to clear your mind.
After the Ecstacy, the Laundry
Jack Kornfield wrote After the Ecstacy, the Laundry, describing the return to mundane life after a peak experience.
I had to return to my life and see if the feeling lasted and what skills and realizations remained.
So far, there has been little or no change in my emotional state since the experience.
I’ve calmed down, but if anything, my heart and mind race faster today.
In fact, many of the new skills have sharpened as my mind integrates more data and continues processing at lightning speed.
Whenever I am out in public, I find people gravitate to me.
Previously, I was a loner, content to be invisible. Now, people can’t seem to avoid noticing me.
It’s odd.
I now possess skills in team building and personal persuasion I previously lacked, probably related to the above increase in my charisma.
I also noticed a dramatic improvement in my ability to analyze situations that require strategy or military combat.
I guess the Art of War and the Prince combined with my game theory and statistics studies.
My diet went from good to perfect.
My heart rate went from 50–60 BPM to 90–100 BPM, so my metabolism and caloric burn are off the charts.
It’s like I’m on speed without the drug.
I lost 35 pounds over the last year (started before all of this) and now sustain a trim 158–160 pound frame.
I went to see psychiatrists at the urging of my family.
Unsurprisingly, that was a mistake.
The signs of a spiritual awakening are also the signs of a health condition the medical community aggressively treats with medication.
Better to have this experience in India or Tibet, where people recognize it for what it is.
The medical establishment wants to drug the joy out of me.
I have been officially diagnosed based on multiple interviews with professionals with various levels of medical training through a fully licensed psychiatrist.
I am bipolar and prone to mania. I currently suffer from an extreme case of mania.
They strongly suggest I take drugs to suppress my mental activity.
Apparently, extreme happiness is a sign of a mental disorder.
Type 1 Bipolar is sometimes characterized by mania followed by a fall to a normal baseline on a repeating cycle.
Mania is my new baseline.
That’s what differs. There is no fall to a lower state.
I wouldn’t have guessed happiness is diagnosed as bipolar.
But in retrospect, I observe that few people are genuinely happy, so I understand why true happiness is perplexing to Western doctors.
I find their opinions amusing since they mean so little to me.
I am working with my personal physician to gather enough data points to establish a new medical definition.
I am bipolar with constant and unrelenting mania of only the positive pole.
The criteria for this particular diagnosis are challenging to meet.
- The patient must always be jubilantly happy and totally excited to be alive.
- The patient must display boundless energy and perfect physical health.
- The patient must have at least 20 years of disciplined meditation practice; Buddhist or Indian mysticism is preferred, Tibetan Buddhism being the gold standard.
- The patient must be interviewed by other Tibetan Buddhist practitioners (or whatever mystic branch is involved) who provide 3rd party legitimacy.
It’s a high bar.
If enough time passes and the mania fails to subside, and the other pole is never even glimpsed, I am convinced the new diagnosis will stick.
You never know; the medical community is very committed to their erroneous point of view.
