Parenting special needs children is difficult, but it need not be a lifelong pity party over a burdensome road we must travel.
If you are a special needs parent reading this post, what were you looking for?
What is it you seek when you read the stories of how other special needs parents coped with their circumstances?
Sadly, I find that many parents look for confirmation that their life sucks, they are deeply put upon, and nobody understands their problems. We all have bad days when we feel overwhelmed, but it isn’t helpful to lapse into a malaise or wallow in self-pity.
I know because I indulged in my share of self-pity, and it only made my life worse.
See: Mistakes I Made Raising My Autistic Son
Each parent has a unique experience when they realize their child is different. For most people, it isn’t a time of rejoicing. We didn’t know it at the time, but in that moment of acceptance of his condition, we made a huge mistake that took us about 15 years to correct.
We had no shortage of friends and family willing to confirm our worst fears that our life was over and we needed to accept our terrible fate.
Self-pity is a feeling of sorrow or sadness about one’s own situation or circumstances, often accompanied by a sense of helplessness and a belief that one is suffering more than others. It involves dwelling on one’s own problems and difficulties, sometimes excessively and can lead to a state of inaction or despair.
How many of the following signs of self-pity do you recognize in yourself?
- Overwhelmed by Comparisons: Do you constantly compare your situation with that of parents of typically developing children? Do you feel that your struggles are uniquely difficult and that no one else could possibly understand your hardships, leading to feelings of isolation and self-pity?
- Focusing on Lost Opportunities: Do you lament the experiences or milestones that you believe you are missing out on because of your child’s special needs? This includes grieving over not experiencing certain parenting ‘norms’ or feeling that your family life is vastly different from what they had envisioned.
From Denial to Acceptance: Parenting After an Autism Diagnosis
- Feeling Trapped or Victimized: Do you feel that your entire life is consumed by your role as a caregiver to a special needs child, leading to feelings of entrapment? Do you feel like you are the only one bearing such a burden and perceive yourself as a victim of your circumstances?
This one, in particular, is immediately transformed when you come to view your unique opportunity to give as enhancing your spiritual life rather than hindering your worldly one.
- Resenting Responsibilities: Do you feel resentment towards the extra responsibilities and challenges that come with raising a child with special needs? This resentment turns into self-pity when you focus on how your life is harder compared to others.
Read the post below and explore how bad the grief and resentment can get.
The Heart of Evil, the Darkest of Dark
Many people who read that post come away thinking they would never harbor such evil thoughts. That writing was meant to be extreme, but as a parent of a special needs child, you know those feelings even if you try to push them away and deny you would rather not have a child that creates your undesirable life circumstances.
- Ignoring Positive Aspects: Have you become so focused on the difficulties and challenges that they overlook or discount the joys, achievements, and unique experiences that come with special needs parenting?
The Many Reasons I Love My Autistic Son
This is the key to everything. When you turn your focus away from what you perceive as your problems, those aspects of your parenting experience that you reject, you open yourself to perceiving the positive. Once you begin to focus on the uniquely positive aspects of the experience, you can transform it from the worst thing in your life to the best thing that ever happened to you.
I share this with you so that you can learn from my mistake and hopefully avoid ten or more years of completely unnecessary misery.
Emotional Alchemy Turns Sadness into Joy
There is a path to cessation of your emotional suffering. You must find ways of transforming your grief into joy.
What I’m suggesting to you is that those feelings can be completely eliminated. You can change those desires to rid yourself of a special needs child into a unique appreciation of the gifts they bring you your life.
The story that illustrates how my life transformed can be found below. I hope through my story, you can find something for your life as well.
See: The Unbridled Joy of Special Needs Parenting
