Managing Your Child’s Behavior
When you’re raising a child with special needs, learning to manage their behavior effectively becomes one of your most critical skills. Some days it feels like you’re navigating a maze in the dark, while other days you might feel like you’ve finally cracked the code. I’ve been there too, stumbling through those early years, sometimes getting it right and often getting it wrong.
The Priceless Gift of Expert Advice
The most important parenting lessons came to us through the early ABA therapists who worked with our son. We were incredibly fortunate to have these experts in our corner. Their guidance did more than just help our son—it saved my marriage too.
My wife and I found ourselves locked in a silent tug-of-war over how to parent our son. She thought I pushed him too hard, demanding he learn skills that might have been beyond his reach. I believed she coddled him, doing everything for him and stunting his potential growth. We’d exchange loaded glances across the dinner table when one of us helped him cut his food or made him try to do it himself.
“He needs to learn independence,” I’d insist in our late-night discussions.
“He needs support and understanding,” she’d counter, tears threatening at the corners of her eyes.
Without those third-party experts to provide guidance and perspective, I’m certain my wife and I would have fought more, struggled more with our son, and he would have suffered because of our inability to find common ground. The experts helped us understand that we were both right—and both wrong—in different ways.
The balancing act between encouraging independence and providing necessary support is part of every parent’s journey, but these issues become magnified when special needs enter the picture. It’s infinitely more difficult to determine what your child is truly capable of when developmental challenges create an uneven landscape of abilities.
After years of trial and error, countless therapy sessions, and more than a few tears, we discovered that managing our son’s behavior could be distilled down to a handful of simple yet powerful principles. These aren’t complicated psychological theories—they’re practical tools that helped us create structure and consistency in a world that often felt chaotic.
Rules of Engagement
The military has a sequence they call “rules of engagement”—a framework that governs how and when to respond to various situations. As parents, we develop our own rules of engagement too, though we rarely recognize them as such.
With special needs children, these rules need to be crystal clear and applied consistently by everyone involved in their care. I noticed early on that my son thrived on routine and clear expectations. Unlike some typical children who delight in testing boundaries and finding loopholes, most special needs children tend to be rule followers. They usually don’t have the inclination or understanding needed to be clever or push boundaries in the same way.
My son found comfort in knowing exactly what was expected of him. Once he understood a rule, he followed it with dedication, almost relief. It was as if the world made a little more sense when he knew where the lines were drawn.
The Current Currency
One of the most effective tools in our parenting toolkit became what we called “current currency”—whatever our son wanted most at any given time. This could change from week to week or even day to day, but recognizing and using it thoughtfully transformed our ability to shape his behavior.
The current currency could be anything from preferred foods to favorite toys, special activities, or even the promise of future events. Every child has their preferences, and they’re all different. What worked as motivation for my son might be completely ineffective for another child. There are some important boundaries to establish, though. Necessities are never currency. We never withheld food or water or failed to keep him clean, comfortable, and safe. You might think this should go without saying, but in moments of frustration, even good parents can sometimes make threats they shouldn’t.
I should mention the complicated role of food as reinforcement. It’s the most common and relevant motivator for many children, and it’s nearly impossible not to use it to some degree. My son is highly motivated to work for treats, usually small things with minimal calories. We use them because they’re effective, but we’re always mindful of the potential problems this approach could create with eating habits and weight management.
What surprised me was discovering that my son could think about the future in ways I hadn’t expected. He could delay gratification, conserve resources, and work toward major future events that mattered to him. Once we recognized this ability, we could use future rewards as effective motivators.
We used his current currency in three main ways:
- To reinforce good behavior by providing what he desired
- To encourage compliance by explaining what he might lose
- To address willful disobedience by temporarily withholding privileges
The key was learning to distinguish between a mistake and a bad choice. The outward behavior might look the same, but the inward motivation makes all the difference in the world.
My son makes plenty of mistakes due to his cognitive challenges. He often worries he’s been a “bad boy” when he simply makes an honest mistake, which becomes a source of anxiety for him. He identifies strongly with being a “good boy,” and this personal identity is important to him. We never punish him for mistakes committed out of ignorance or forgetfulness, even if we’ve explained the rule before. His memory works differently, and reminders are often needed. He’s only disciplined for bad choices—when he knows better but chooses to do something wrong anyway.
With special needs children, it’s usually easier to tell the difference between mistakes and willful disobedience than with typical children. My son is a terrible liar with obvious tells—his face gives him away immediately. It would be nearly impossible for him to convince us that a willfully chosen behavior was just an innocent mistake.
Punishing mistakes only frustrates a child who doesn’t understand what they did wrong. That doesn’t motivate better choices—it simply creates confusion and anxiety. The ability to distinguish between an honest mistake and willful disobedience is absolutely crucial when parenting a child with special needs.
Reinforce, Ignore, or Crack Down
For anything your child does that matters to you, there are really only three possible responses: reinforce, ignore, or crack down. Choosing wisely among these options makes all the difference.
Any behavior that ends with your child finding pleasure or getting what they want will be repeated. This reinforcement can take many forms—it might be their current currency, a smile, a laugh, or anything else that brings them joy. Even negative attention can be reinforcing if attention is what they crave.
Be extremely careful about what you reinforce. Don’t reward behaviors you don’t want to see more of. This seems obvious, but it’s surprisingly easy to accidentally reinforce problematic behaviors.
I remember spending a day with another family who was having trouble with their special needs son, about eight years old at the time. I watched this child ask repeatedly for things, dozens upon dozens of times. The parents would say no, but they wouldn’t take steps to stop the asking. When he escalated to screaming and making outbursts, they eventually caved and gave him what he wanted.
Watching them give in after a dozen “no’s” and a tantrum, it was painfully clear why they had ongoing problems. They had unintentionally taught their son exactly what was required to get to “yes,” and he was simply following the script they had created.
My wife and I joke about “not giving in to terrorist demands”—a crude but effective way to remind ourselves not to reward problematic behavior. This approach has always been easier for me to maintain, much harder for his mother.
The pull to make your child happy in the moment is incredibly strong, especially when you’ve witnessed their struggles.
What You Ignore Fades Away
When faced with minor annoyances, ignoring is almost always the better option. There’s no ill will generated by simply not reacting to behaviors that don’t cause real harm. Cracking down creates tension and bad feelings, so it should be reserved for situations that truly require intervention.
Ignoring can be challenging, though. Children will often repeat behaviors or become more persistent to get a reaction. My son went through a phase of unrolling entire rolls of toilet paper just to get the cardboard tube. He would proudly bring them to show me because I made the mistake of laughing the first time he did it.
I had to completely ignore this behavior more than a dozen times before it finally stopped. He would come over and purposely place the empty toilet rolls right in my face to ensure I saw them. It wasn’t worth cracking down on—it was just wasted toilet paper—but it wasn’t something I wanted him to continue, especially when he started doing it at his grandparents’ house.
The hardest part of ignoring is remembering that attention itself can be reinforcing, even if it’s negative. When you call attention to something, you might inadvertently encourage more of that behavior. Another reason to choose ignoring for minor issues is that it preserves your authority for the things that really matter. Cracking down on every little thing makes it harder to be effective when addressing serious problems.
When to Crack Down
“Cracking down” means making it clear that a behavior must stop entirely. The parent communicates that continuing or repeating the behavior will have negative consequences. This approach should be used sparingly to maintain its effectiveness.
When we do need to crack down, we follow our own escalating rules of engagement:
- First, we warn by threatening to withhold something desired
- We try to make the consequence fit the behavior
- If the behavior continues, we follow through by removing the current currency
There’s also what I call the “authoritarian voice”—a tone reserved only for the rarest occasions. If my son is in imminent danger and I need his immediate attention, I use this firm, loud voice that stands out from my normal speaking voice. He knows to pay attention right away when he hears it. I’m not a fan of using fear to control behavior, but in potentially dangerous situations, it serves an important purpose.
The Question of Physical Intervention
I can honestly say I’ve never hit my son, certainly never in anger. However, there have been occasions when I’ve had to physically restrain him for his safety or others’.
By nature, my son isn’t aggressive or prone to anger. He has never acted violently toward others simply because he didn’t get his way. However, when overwhelmed with anxiety, he can sometimes lose self-control. He becomes deeply frustrated if he believes he’s being punished unfairly. He strongly identifies with being a “good boy” who follows the rules. If he feels he’s being falsely accused when he believes he’s done everything right, his anxiety can spiral out of control.
On rare occasions, this has turned physical. He got out of control at high school once, and when my wife arrived, the school security guard was actively restraining him. On a couple of occasions, he grabbed his mother too hard in his distress, causing her pain. I had to intervene and physically restrain him—not to hurt him, but to prevent him from hurting his mother or himself. He doesn’t live in fear of physical punishment, but he understands that using physical force to get what he wants is never acceptable.
The Hard Truth About Consequences
The most difficult decision I’ve faced with my son involves what to teach him about the potential consequences of aggression. The reality is that while he will always be welcome in our home, we simply cannot live in fear of what he might do.
If he were to become consistently aggressive or violent toward us, we wouldn’t be able to keep him in our home. This is a painful but necessary truth. The dilemma is whether to explain this to him.
If I’m honest about the potential consequences, it might increase his anxiety and trigger the very behaviors I’m trying to prevent. If I don’t tell him, he might do something truly harmful because he didn’t understand what might happen.
After the last incident when he hurt his mother, I decided to explain the situation to him as clearly and calmly as I could. I wasn’t threatening him—just helping him understand reality. He understood that living with strangers would be far less desirable than staying with his parents. He doesn’t want to lose his current life circumstances.
What happened afterward gave me hope. He developed a healthy remorse for having hurt his mother. Some regrets aren’t bad—being sorry and expressing remorse for harming someone is a positive feeling that helps prevent us from repeating mistakes. He deeply regrets hurting his mother and mentions it often, saying things like “good boy not hurting momma.” He carries genuine remorse, and though we assure him he’s forgiven, I appreciate that he remembers. That feeling of regret might be the only thing that helps him maintain control if he ever becomes overwhelmed again.
Four Strikes and You’re Out
Children, typical or special needs, are persistent when they really want something. We developed a simple system that helps our son understand exactly how many times he can ask for something before facing consequences.
If he asks for something we can easily provide, we immediately say yes. He doesn’t need to ask twice, and we don’t want him forming the habit of repeating requests. If he asks for something we’ll give later but can’t provide immediately, he’s learned to accept a delayed yes. He’ll wait patiently until the time is right or the condition is met.
But when we say no to something he really wants, that’s when the “four strikes” rule becomes important:
The first time we say no, he might accept it if his desire isn’t that strong. But if he really wants something, he’ll ask again. This second request signals the strength of his desire.
At this point, we reconsider our answer. If our reasons for saying no weren’t as strong as his desire seems to be, we might change our mind. If our reasons remain compelling, we’ll repeat the no and explain why.
With typical children, this is often where debates begin. With my son, there’s usually not much debate, but he might still ask a third time.
After the third request, we invoke what we call the “no nagging” rule. We tell him “no nagging,” and he knows it’s time to stop asking. Over the years, we’ve taught him various synonyms for nagging, turning it into a bit of a family game:
“No badgering” is our favorite. He came up with “no repeating.” His grandmother added “no browbeating.” His great aunt contributed “no haranguing.”
This works because he knows that after asking a third time, if he continues, he’ll lose access to treats or other current currency. The fourth request triggers a warning that he’s about to lose privileges.
At this point, he often begs forgiveness and promises to stop asking, hoping to avoid the consequence. We usually forgive him so that he sees the value of making amends. If he doesn’t seek forgiveness or asks a fifth time, the consequence is applied without exception. This consistency helps him understand that continuing down this path will always lead to an outcome he doesn’t want.
This approach has been remarkably effective over the years, allowing our son to express his desires clearly while maintaining reasonable boundaries. It minimizes stress for everyone involved.
Don’t Let Anger or Anxiety Grow
By far, the most challenging issue we face with our son is anxiety. Helping him stay calm is essential to maintaining emotional control. People tend to lose their ability to reason and control their behavior when experiencing extreme emotions. Anger is particularly problematic, but anxiety is equally disruptive. Once these emotions take hold, they’re like a forest fire that finds more fuel and burns out of control.
Our most reliable defense against these powerful emotions is practicing calming techniques—breaking the cycle of upset and engaging in specific behaviors designed to prevent emotions from escalating. My son isn’t on any medications, so he’s naturally excitable and full of energy. He gets excited and flaps his hands vigorously, a common behavior among autistic individuals. When pleased, he experiences intense joy. We don’t want to suppress these positive feelings, which is one reason we’ve chosen not to medicate him. Sometimes when I see the pure joy he feels over simple things, I feel a flash of envy that quickly transforms into shared happiness.
When he believes he’s done something wrong, he gets upset, as most of us would. However, he doesn’t have a wide range of coping strategies, so his distress can escalate rapidly. He’s particularly sensitive to situations where he thinks he’s being reprimanded when he believed he was following the rules. While anyone would be upset by feeling falsely accused, my son can transform ordinary misunderstandings into full meltdowns.
When Control Is Lost
When my son loses self-control, the aftermath is emotionally devastating for our entire family. He recovers almost immediately, I bounce back fairly quickly, but his mother finds these episodes much harder to process.
We experienced one such incident while I was writing this book. We were eating lunch at a restaurant before a planned afternoon activity. At the end of the meal, he gave me a hug, but his hands weren’t clean, and he wiped food all over my white sleeves.
I expressed disappointment—not angrily, but clearly enough that he understood I was displeased with the mess. He became upset because he thought he was being kind and loving but didn’t get the positive reaction he expected. It was partly my fault for reacting poorly, but once set in motion, the situation quickly spiraled.
He reached across the table and squeezed his mother’s arms hard to express his frustration. Then he hurt himself because he knew it would upset us. Despite being in a public restaurant, I had to reach across the table to break his grip from his mother’s forearms. My wife had the presence of mind to guide him through yoga breathing to help him calm down, which he did. He immediately began apologizing profusely, but the damage was already done.
Later, my wife, still upset, told me I needed to include this story in the book. “This entire book is just your fantasy,” she said. “Our lives really aren’t that great.” Now you know.
Living with a special needs child or adult has its rewards, but it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. We have real struggles. We try to muddle through, making the best decisions we can. We try to overcome obstacles with love and understanding. Some days are still better than others.
Techniques That Have Helped
Over the years, we’ve learned to apply specific techniques to help our son remain calm. Yoga breathing has been surprisingly effective. He understands the concept and knows to stop and take slow, deep breaths when he’s getting upset. He’ll even proactively calm himself when he feels distress building.
We taught him a simple mantra—”calm, happy, relaxed”—to help him remember what he’s trying to achieve. He’ll repeat these words while taking deep breaths. These two techniques together diffuse most potential problems before they escalate.
The key is early intervention. Disturbing emotions build strength on their own, like a fire that begins from a single spark. Just as it’s easier to extinguish a fire when it’s just beginning, emotional turmoil is much easier to address before it becomes overwhelming.
When I look back on our journey, I realize that these behavior management techniques weren’t just about controlling difficult situations—they were about teaching our son the skills he needs to navigate a complex world. Every time we help him calm himself or guide him through a challenging moment, we’re investing in his future independence and emotional well-being.
No parent gets it right all the time. We’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way. But finding these practical approaches to managing behavior has made our home more peaceful and our son more confident. And in the end, that’s what matters most.
